Perception

I have a new sense of spirituality,
morality,
confidence,
individuality.
It's a new way of how I view the world.

Not everything is black and white
wrong and right

There are all kinds of people
living in our world
There are diverse cultures
some new, some old
what seems right to a mother
may seem wrong to a father
there are all kinds of people
living in our world

This world belongs to all of us
we are made equal
man and wife
still there is so much chaos
so much strive
in this great big puzzle
we call life

We hope for health and prosperity
yet we long for these things selfishly
you think what you have is so great
But do you really know your fate?

why can't we care for the poor
just walk out your door
And see what this world
has in store

if you help out others
treat strangers as brothers
then there is more humanity
in all this insanity

Just walk a day in anothers shoes
what would you have to lose?
what they do has an effect on you
because they live on this planet too

It really is no mystery
one person can shape history
this moment will soon be past
do kind deeds, put yourself last

it pays to be kind
it is good to be fair
that could have been you,
that person over there
maybe good people are hardly seen
because they are looked down upon as
poor and meek

Don't you know that with charity comes greater riches
than can be bought
to ease pain and sickness
is joy that should be sought
material riches can bury you in pretty ditches
being honest and true is better than fame and glory
this is my story

the only way to bring yourself happiness
is to push past the pain and crapiness
there is an end in sight

The end I see is
the end of pain
the end of evil, hurt and shame
the end of war and terror
peace and those who care
maybe it will never happen in this life
Yet, I believe someone will take me there.

Unity, equality, peace for all
that is what I would call
a perfect beautiful wonderful place
where all are wholly full of grace
now it's time to do better
we can all work together
giving it all our might
never giving up the fight

not everything is black and white
wrong and right

fighting over technicalities
is what beings all these fatalities

If you are hurting nobody,
then you are doing right
When you might cause others pain
then try to think twice

everyone has a place
we are all part of the human race
dark to light, no matter your face
we all have hands and feet
we come in many shapes
we work and eat,
we have children, we die
we can all smile
we can all cry
There is not much difference
between you and I.

We are all living, breathing
humans on earth
We have language, identify,
individuality
Yet some are still being treated as property
Land, animals, houses, gold
those can be bought or sold.
A person is not a possession.

learn this lesson.
Forget the billionaires with their
billion dollar abodes
They are in constant worry of losing it all,
what a terrible load
Instead, use what you have wisely, don't be greedy
Only love lasts forever in the hearts of those dear to us.
If you have what you need,
you do not need excess.

There is something I must confess.
I used to feel superior to those with less than I.
Less education, less religion, less possessions,
I thought "How lucky am I,"
Then I became unhappy with it all
I was anxious and worried that I would not make it.
I would smile and say, "I'm fine"
but I faked it
I was a mess inside
falling apart, wishing to die.
I was lonely, too focused on my everyday stresses.
I know now that I have many blessings.
Being the best at everything is impossible.
Just be yourself and love others.
Make joy possible.

Not everything is black and white
wrong and right.

1st year anniversary

Kissing at Dusk, trip to Philadelphia, PA

I am happy to announce that as of March 17, 2013 my boyfriend Tim and I have been an official couple for a whole year! We had both been looking for that special someone for a long time, like 5 years (ok, not that long, but it seems like forever doesn't it). We met on a blind date last year set up by a friend of ours. We were both freshmen at Geneva College at the time. I can't begin to describe how much love he has brought to my life! He always has something nice to say to cheer me up when I'm down. We both love puppies (and other animals) we both play guitar, although I play acoustic and he plays electric. We both love God and we are both the eldest child in our family. We both have goals for our own careers. Over this year, I have seen how perfect he is for me! We both want a couple kids someday, and to adopt a child. We have our differences but we respect each other in our different opinions. We have shared so many laughs as well as tears. I can't wait to share the rest of our lives together!

me and my man

March 26 praises!

I don't have a lot of time right now b/c I'm at school. But I just wanna say that right now... i love life. God has been blessing so much these days. I have a wonderful boyfriend. I have a job. School is going well. I have a loving family and great pets (gerbils and doggies ) and I have good health. And I am enjoying rugby, and healing well from my injuries from the car accident. I could go on... but you get the picture! God is Good! take care and God Bless you.

20th birthday

presents!!!

cake!

friends!

funny friends.

friends 4ever

New Prospects!

I am going to start working at Subway on Sunday! This is a great opportunity that I have been praying for, for awhile. Out of all the places I applied to, this is the only one that got back with me. It's like it's meant to be. So, I'll have less free time and I may have to give up things I enjoy like volunteering on Tuesday afternoons at the art center. But this is a great job that I will be able to probably work full time at in the summer. I love eating Subway food too, today I had a chicken sub. I will miss doing cool camp probably, but I'll ask for a week and a half off to be a Counselor at a Bible Camp in VA. There are also some neat jobs on campus I am interested in, and I am thinking about living on-campus next year. Well, that's it for now.

P.S. I am going on a blind date in a couple days from now. 

back to december...

12/8

{from my diary}

i never wrote in here about
why i am no longer at college.
i am in the process of re-
applying though.

it is not complicated. to put it
simply, I got so sick I had to go to
the hospital for a week and by
then it was too late to catch up
because the doctors said i was still
not recovered enough.

But my illness was not
phenomena or a broken bones. It wasn't
one you could see from the outside
you wouldn't know
because I kept it hidden

I have an anxiety disorder
I struggle with depression

I wanted to kill myself.

It's not easy to understand.
But it is a sickness
It is something you can prevent
in the future.

Like other diseases you cannot
see them coming
or avoid them

And I needed
serious help

I never want to get sick again
and have to go to the terrible place
that makes things worse.
it's supposed to help.
but the only way it helped me was
to see how good I have it
and to never go there ever again.

I saw such misery

sad people

empty people

and they said "I wish I had your life"

I suppose I should
value my life more.

puppies make life so much better

I am literally crying a river right now. These poor puppies that people just throw away, it's making me so sad. I normally am not an emotional person. This week has been really messed up though. So... I need to let it out and the puppies, the last straw! I am so glad the love of my life, Fabel, found me. In the picture with her is my sister. I couldn't imagine myself happy without either one of them. She came to me at just the right time in my life. Right after I got out of the psychiatric ward for anxiety/depression. It's hard but not too difficult to just come out and say things online, so here it goes. I wanted to kill myself. If I tell you why... it probably wont make sense. I was in a bad place (in my mind, geneva is not bad lol) that I am still getting away from.  But there you have it. I don't want to kill myself anymore, but I still can get depressed and anxious like now.

Monday I was in a fender-bender which brought the accident from September fresh in my mind. Today on the way to school, there was an accident right by my school. In bible class a kid had to leave to get some kind of medical attention, that was scary. the teacher said, "stay with me" and it took me back to the moment when I woke up in a totaled suv thinking I had almost died seconds before. I thought the next thing I would see was Jesus. It almost made me sad that it was my friend in the seat next to me and not Jesus that I saw. That's the truth. But i was relieved that i wouldn't have to leave my friends and family behind. and i was so grateful that everyone made it through the crash. it was so scary. i am just now starting to deal with those emotions instead of keeping them locked in the deepest parts of my suppressed thoughts. lots of people get in a lot of worse crashes, and i kept telling myself my experience was no big deal, all i got was a few minor injuries. the truth is not everyone has to go through that. it did effect my quality of life and my foot was killing me and i had to skip rubgy and other fun things my first semester of college. and i didnt even stay to see it through. but i am back now so i guess that shows determination. coming back was probably even more scary than the 1st day of school. i dont want people to judge me. i dont want them to turn the other way when i tell them my problems because i am just too messed up. damn. i just wanted to fit in. but thats not me. the truth is i am different, and I gotta just be me. someone special will think the world of me, and I want to find him so bad, cuz i feel so lonely now. it helps for me to share this with whoever is listening. thanks for reading. and if you are lonely too, don't give up please. "Stay with me". thats what Jesus said to me in class this morning. It wasen't Dr. Warren talking to a boy, it was Jesus telling me he is all I need to make it though. Take courage and hopefully you have a better week than I have had so far. (how i got from puppies to Jesus is a mystery lol.... but thats Alyssa for you)

my quilting.

Log Cabin Pattern, diagonal stripes

 

 

 

 

back side of quilt

Many of you might not know, I sew. I have done a few quilts. I started with a tiny quilting kit my friend gave me for my birthday. Loved it! I started helping to sew clothes (and pillows on my own) as a kid. My mom would do most of the dress, but I would help with the side seams, and with putting the dress straps together, and cutting out fabric sometimes. My masterpiece so far is a purple log-cabin quilt I made for my sister for Christmas.

 

 pillow I made out of extra to go along with it. In center of pillow is a button.

 

 

cute as a button

Christmas 2011

It is hard for me to believe Christmas is almost over. I'll be getting another gerbil soon, so Christmas isn't really over for me. I think Christmas will feel over when I go back to college. 

Black mottled Gerbils

I already have a cage for the pair of gerbils I will soon get. I want to eventually breed them but first I'll need to get completely moved in to my new room. I'll also need proper shelving and habitats for them. Until then, I'll start off with a couple of boys and name them Shawn and Gus.

I really want some that look just like this. Then our family will have a b&w dog, b&w rabbit, and b&w fish!

The gerbils . com
Here is an awesome website to learn about gerbils, breeding, feeding, behavior, and their different colors and patterns. I really like the black heavy mottled ones. 
 I found one I want to buy! I had to call about 20 different pet stores in this area. I finally found a black mottled one but it's an hour away in downtown Pittsburgh. My mom is going to take me to get it tomorrow afternoon.

Our family has had 5 different gerbils in the past. Three lilac ones were sisters (for years we thought they were boys). [I have improved at telling their sexes]. We also got a brown one, to pair with one of the lilacs. Later a friend gave us a tan one and we paired her with the lilac because the brown had died. Eventually after a few years all the lilac ones passed but my other friend still has the tan one. Their names were Ralph & Roo, Remy (lilac) & Emile (brown) and Sunshine (tan).

Someday...

Someday I was to visit India. If I like it, maybe I'd spend some time as a student teacher. But I don't want to go alone, I would have to go with close friends because I know I would miss home too much. 

6 days!

I am so excited for this move! In less then a week my family will be relocating to a home just a few miles from my college. It has 2 bathrooms, 4 bedrooms, and a deck! I miss having a deck. Not to mention the Jacuzzi. =] Oh and I didn't even mention our family got a puppy! Her name is Fabelle.

Fall Break

All the leaves aren't turned color yet, but it's time for fall break anyhow. I'm glad. Just two more classes and I'll be spending time with my family. I haven't seen them for... I've lost track let me see... 40 days. That's about 6 weeks. I've never been away from home for that long. It wasn't as traumatic as I thought it would be. :) I love college. I am however looking forward to grandma's cooking and nice country air.

memories of summer, and new memories

This past summer was amazing. In fact I don't think I have ever had a more exciting one. It felt so good to be done with high-school. I worked at a day camp, such a blessing! Went to Jersey Shore for the 1st time. Went kayaking for 1st time. Was away from home for 5 weeks, although I came home on Sundays I barely had 24hrs. at home. That was an adjustment but I got through it with God's help. I was in my 1st car accident. 1st time on crutches. I still miss summer, although I'm about 6 weeks into school, it seems like the summer was just over last week sometimes. I miss my friends. I love my new friends at college and am making new memories. But, the friends I've had for 2-5 years I have such good memories with! And though my sister is here on campus, my best friend for 17, almost 18 years, our school schedules conflict so I don't even see her that much. But enough of this emotional talk. Tomorrow is homecoming day and my friend from high-school is coming to meet me and watch the game. Hope you all have a good week! -Alyssa

Health prayer request.

Please continue to pray for my foot that was injured about 6 weeks ago in a car accident. It isn't healing as fast as I think it should. I wear my sneakers all the time. Without that support, each step really hurts or I walk with a limp so I don't have to bend my foot. I don't take pain medicine because I don't want to become addicted. Please also pray for my allergies and that this cough goes away completely. I don't want to get infected lungs. Thanks. God Bless.

thursday afternoon

sitting beneath the oak tree
the one across the street from my dorm
the squrriels are teasing me
the sun is nice and warm

some girls come along with swim caps
with diagrams of brains on them
I take their picture and they laugh
now I want to go for a swim

I should be writing a paper for class
I got half a page complete
I love to put my bare feet on grass
and look at a cloud, an acorn, a leaf

College, first week. done

Well I'm tired and I don't have any organized thoughts to share. I basically just have to say Geneva is awesome and I can't believe how blessed I am to be here, and how blessed I am with great dorm-mates and friends etc... And that only a couple of my professors are slightly boring. But it's not their job to entertain us, just to teach us. If you think about how much I'm paying for college, each class you sit in like like hundreds of dollars. So if you sit there and don't listen, that's a lot of money going right past you. Anyway... I haven't been late or absent to anything yet, and work is going well and my foot is steadily healing and I even played volleyball today! :) things are looking up! :)

greater pleasures

"I conceive that pleasures are to be avoided if greater pains be the consequence,

and pains to be coveted that will terminate in greater pleasures."

Michel Eyquem de Montaigne

This quote talks about how important decisions are. What you decide today can affect you years down the road. And if you have to work really hard and go trough unpleasant things to get a reward, then it's all worth it! You really need to avoid those superficial pleasures that will hurt you years down the roadl. Keep in mind you aren't looking for immediate gratification, you're looking for greater pleasures... Keeps your sights on eternal things guys! God Bless!