New Prospects!

I am going to start working at Subway on Sunday! This is a great opportunity that I have been praying for, for awhile. Out of all the places I applied to, this is the only one that got back with me. It's like it's meant to be. So, I'll have less free time and I may have to give up things I enjoy like volunteering on Tuesday afternoons at the art center. But this is a great job that I will be able to probably work full time at in the summer. I love eating Subway food too, today I had a chicken sub. I will miss doing cool camp probably, but I'll ask for a week and a half off to be a Counselor at a Bible Camp in VA. There are also some neat jobs on campus I am interested in, and I am thinking about living on-campus next year. Well, that's it for now.

P.S. I am going on a blind date in a couple days from now. 

back to december...

12/8

{from my diary}

i never wrote in here about
why i am no longer at college.
i am in the process of re-
applying though.

it is not complicated. to put it
simply, I got so sick I had to go to
the hospital for a week and by
then it was too late to catch up
because the doctors said i was still
not recovered enough.

But my illness was not
phenomena or a broken bones. It wasn't
one you could see from the outside
you wouldn't know
because I kept it hidden

I have an anxiety disorder
I struggle with depression

I wanted to kill myself.

It's not easy to understand.
But it is a sickness
It is something you can prevent
in the future.

Like other diseases you cannot
see them coming
or avoid them

And I needed
serious help

I never want to get sick again
and have to go to the terrible place
that makes things worse.
it's supposed to help.
but the only way it helped me was
to see how good I have it
and to never go there ever again.

I saw such misery

sad people

empty people

and they said "I wish I had your life"

I suppose I should
value my life more.

puppies make life so much better

I am literally crying a river right now. These poor puppies that people just throw away, it's making me so sad. I normally am not an emotional person. This week has been really messed up though. So... I need to let it out and the puppies, the last straw! I am so glad the love of my life, Fabel, found me. In the picture with her is my sister. I couldn't imagine myself happy without either one of them. She came to me at just the right time in my life. Right after I got out of the psychiatric ward for anxiety/depression. It's hard but not too difficult to just come out and say things online, so here it goes. I wanted to kill myself. If I tell you why... it probably wont make sense. I was in a bad place (in my mind, geneva is not bad lol) that I am still getting away from.  But there you have it. I don't want to kill myself anymore, but I still can get depressed and anxious like now.

Monday I was in a fender-bender which brought the accident from September fresh in my mind. Today on the way to school, there was an accident right by my school. In bible class a kid had to leave to get some kind of medical attention, that was scary. the teacher said, "stay with me" and it took me back to the moment when I woke up in a totaled suv thinking I had almost died seconds before. I thought the next thing I would see was Jesus. It almost made me sad that it was my friend in the seat next to me and not Jesus that I saw. That's the truth. But i was relieved that i wouldn't have to leave my friends and family behind. and i was so grateful that everyone made it through the crash. it was so scary. i am just now starting to deal with those emotions instead of keeping them locked in the deepest parts of my suppressed thoughts. lots of people get in a lot of worse crashes, and i kept telling myself my experience was no big deal, all i got was a few minor injuries. the truth is not everyone has to go through that. it did effect my quality of life and my foot was killing me and i had to skip rubgy and other fun things my first semester of college. and i didnt even stay to see it through. but i am back now so i guess that shows determination. coming back was probably even more scary than the 1st day of school. i dont want people to judge me. i dont want them to turn the other way when i tell them my problems because i am just too messed up. damn. i just wanted to fit in. but thats not me. the truth is i am different, and I gotta just be me. someone special will think the world of me, and I want to find him so bad, cuz i feel so lonely now. it helps for me to share this with whoever is listening. thanks for reading. and if you are lonely too, don't give up please. "Stay with me". thats what Jesus said to me in class this morning. It wasen't Dr. Warren talking to a boy, it was Jesus telling me he is all I need to make it though. Take courage and hopefully you have a better week than I have had so far. (how i got from puppies to Jesus is a mystery lol.... but thats Alyssa for you)

my quilting.

Log Cabin Pattern, diagonal stripes

 

 

 

 

back side of quilt

Many of you might not know, I sew. I have done a few quilts. I started with a tiny quilting kit my friend gave me for my birthday. Loved it! I started helping to sew clothes (and pillows on my own) as a kid. My mom would do most of the dress, but I would help with the side seams, and with putting the dress straps together, and cutting out fabric sometimes. My masterpiece so far is a purple log-cabin quilt I made for my sister for Christmas.

 

 pillow I made out of extra to go along with it. In center of pillow is a button.